Confession 4.5

I cuss too much.

Yeah, I know I do it. I've been cussing since I was in like, fifth grade. When I was in the Army, it was really bad. I had an officer tell me that he would be able to tell it was me over the radio just by hearing all the cusswords. My oldest son Justin said, "Fuck you, Mommy!" when he was less than two years old, in front of my then in-laws, no less. Extraordinarily embarrassing. At the time I blamed it on the movie Terminator 2, but I knew it was because of my cussing, and probably hearing me and his dad cuss at each other.

My middle son Brandon is such a sweetheart. He is a tee-totaler at heart. He won't even tell me what cuss words the punks in his school call him. He thinks "crap" is a cussword. LOL But when he was around three or four he said "shit!" once. That's about it.

Heather - yeah, she did a doozy. Not in front of anyone, thank God. After me saying something about someone pulling out in front of me in a parking lot, my precious little two year old daughter thought she would help me and and yell what I normally yell: "Learn how to fucking drive!" It was shocking and hilarious at the same time. Poor baby, she burst out in tears as every head in the car turned to stare at her in shock, but she wasn't in trouble. Her mommy sure was a little bit ashamed.

Not enough though. I still cuss. My children tell me that I cuss too much. I make promises to stop. They remind me. A few months ago, my youngest child, right after hearing me say something about the size of this "fucking whale" on PBS, starts to chant, FUCKING WHALE, FUCKING WHALE.... All the kids started to laugh of course, so she just runs around singing "Fuck fuck fuck".... *sigh* Yes, I laughed my ass off inside. My husband was not amused. Or if he was, he hid it well. I just pray she never says it around one set of grandparents - a preacher and his very religious wife.

At times in my life I have tried to stop. In high school, I would say "blank!" instead of the word. The crazy look I got once when I said "Blank it!" stopped that. I'm sure they were wondering what the hell a comforter had to do with the situation. In college, one of my roommates came up with the spectacular idea of a money jar for cussing. Eventually, after putting in like 5 bucks at a time I decided to not play anymore. She wasn't happy.

What brought on this train of thought is my previous post. Man, was I pissed. Time, as usual, has softened the blow. Life goes on. People have to deal with their own situations in the end. But yeah - that's typical Tracy. I'm a potty mouth normally, but when I am really pissed or animated about something, it just flies.

I'd like to stop, I really would. So far I have had about as much luck stopping as I have had stopping biting my nails. (I even bite the fake ones, but that is a whole 'nother Oprah show) The problem, really, is my basic lack of willpower. I suppose if I wanted to bad enough, I would stop. I do try to tone it down. I guess I just think back to all those sayings about people who cuss being uneducated or having a lack of vocabulary. Of course, my first reaction is a "Fuck you!" LOL... But that's not cool.

I don't know. I'm sure it's going to be Emma who is going to shame me into stopping. The girl is a pistol, and tries to draw blood when she is mad. I'm sure she's going to embarrass me in front of grandma sometime soon.

*sigh*

Damnit.

Confession 4.0

I like lawyers.

Justice is very important to me, and the criminal court system facinates me. I like to read about true crime, to include pictures of crime scenes and autopsy reports. I remember reading True Crime and some other magazine, Dectective somethingoranother, waaaay back when I was 20. The facination never wained. Working for a prosecutorial office was a good fit for me, and I did it for three years. Left to have a baby, and after working another kinda similar job (CPS), I am back at my old office. Yay! But something happened yesterday that made me remember why lawyers also suck ass. It also showed me that maybe, yeah - I take things too much to heart and have a hard time letting it go. But I don't know if that's a bad thing. I just don't think it's a smart thing in my chosen profession.

Wednesday I talked with this dude who has been terrorized by his bipolar wife. The crazy bitch is in jail for her most recent charge of assaulting him (this after ramming her car into his as they were driving a month ago, violating a protective order twice three months ago) and the dude was telling me how he needed his wife to be in jail for at least a couple of months so he could recooperate from surgery and start divorce proceedings. This guy is just beat down. He sounded depressed. I couldn't talk him into coming in to get a full protective order. He knew he needed to do it, but he just couldn't get up the energy. Depressed, you know? Said his wife told him flat out she would take the kids away from him once she got out of jail this time. Anyway.....

I typed an entire page of what this guy told me about his wife, what he wanted for her as punishment, and what happens? The bitches slimy ass lawyer comes in, lies to our prosecutor about how this guy wants to drop charges, how she's bipolar and she needs to be in treatment, not in jail, and she ends up getting 90 days in jail. 90 days! Now, to you lay people, that might sound like three months, but no - it's actually only 45 days, and she's already been in jail for over 30. Basically, she is getting out in 5 days.

I'm fucking sick about it! Why do they bother to ask us to call the victims? Why should I care so much what happens to these people if all it takes is a slick assed, lying son of a bitch of an attorney to come in and weasel his client out of whatever they have done? Un FREAKIN believable! In case you can't tell, I'm fucking pissed. I'm really angry at the prosecutor, and I want to tell him, but I don't know if that's such a good idea. I like this prosecutor. Why did he have to be such a chump? DAMN.

So - this reminded me about what I had forgotten since I'd been gone. That yeah, I can like lawyers, but lawyers also still suck. Especially criminal defense lawyers, who are representing the guilty 95% of the time, and they freakin' know it. I know we've got a system, and they wouldn't be doing their jobs if they didn't try to get their client the best deal, but how does society get affected this way? This woman terrorizes her husband in front of her children. Uses them as pawns, getting them to beg their dad to take their mom back - basically, emotionally (and probably physically) abuses them while she is on her biopolar rampage, and yesterday - NO ONE DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Not her attorney, not our attorney, and ultimately, this guy isn't going to do anything about it either because he's too beat down to fight this woman.

I think it's the fact that kids are involved is what has really got me ticked off about it. At least in CPS, someone is doing something about it.

Fucking lawyers.

Confession 3.5

I kind of like it when my husband goes away on business.

It doesn't mean I don't love him, or that I can have trysts with a secret lover. It actually means that I am not on high alert like I normally am. I can relax, enjoy some peace of mind... Not wonder if the kids are making him mad, or if the kids are mad at him; not get pissed at him for getting pissed at the kids for making too much noise... Just those little mundane things that make stepfamilies so exciting. LOL

Actually, before I finally gave in and joined the Prozac Nation, I dreaded him leaving on business. Hated it. Counted down the days till he came home. I'm sure I made him feel guilty. But I was a miserable person anyway, and needed him here to keep me up. He's so good at that.

But now that I am out of that black hole of depression, and getting back to my normal self, I find that I am enjoying the times when it is just me and the kids. Of course, that is a whole 'nother Oprah show. Coming from the series of crappy stepfamilies that I did, I find myself being hypersensitive to how my kids feel about my husband. I'm sure I make a mountain out of a molehill 98% of the time. And he is always wonderful, wonderful about hearing me out and trying to relieve my mind by "fixing it", even though it might not necessarily need to be fixed. But still, him being gone gives me a little break from all my worries and hypervigilence. And there is absolutely no chance of us arguing about one of the kids and their chores. LOL

Besides the break from my insanity, there is also the fabulous sound of just four children running amouk. NO TV. Praise Jesus! I watch two, maybe three TV shows aweek max. I only have to watch one. Having the TV on constantly really does drive me batty. And John loves the TV. It hasn't been on all night and it's fabulous. Now there is nothing to compete with the sounds of the kids fighting and laughing and screaming and jumping on the floor. Bliss.... LOL

BUT - I'll admit that the whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" really is true. A couple of weekends ago it was me that was gone, and when I saw him again my heart just soared, the love overflowed. And even more, I jumped his bones like a madwoman for days afterwards. LOL

So before I crush my husband completely, I promise crazy monkey love when he gets back, and continued discussion with my therapist about relaxing and not worrying so much. LOL Unfortunately I can't give on the TV. You know what they say about picking your battles... *wink*

Confession 3.0

I want Alabama to go undefeated this year. Yes, that even means beating Auburn.

GOD! I can't believe I just said that! It goes against every grain of my being! It doesn't feel right. It's like I'm wearing someone else's clothes and it feels creepy. I want to rip them off, screaming, because it's freaking me out, but I am holding myself back because this is important, damnit! LOL

Those who know me know that I am an Auburn football freak. WAR DAMN EAGLE, BABY! But with the BCS bullshit last year, in which an SEC team went undeafeated in not only the strongest conference in the country, but also everyone else they played, they didn't get a chance to play for the National Championship. In a way, part of that is because of Alabama, in my opinion. The Iron Bowl (that's the annual Auburn-Alabama matchup for those of you not in the know) is a big freakin' deal in the state, and it never matters who has the best record when you go into the game. Really, anyone could win. Last season, the Tide was pretty much owning us first half. I was nervous. I was walking around like a wildebeast, tidying up, cleaning, whatever, while watching the game, which is what I do when I'm pissed and nervous as I watch Auburn play "not so well". (Just ask John about my behavior last weekend during the LSU game. LOL )
I thought the Tide was going to hand us our first defeat! But we rallied back and showed what a fantastic team we were last year. But did the BCS care? No.

The BCS, that heartless, bloodless computer system, didn't take into account that this was a heated rivalry, that they come in as warriors, wanting blood. No. All we heard was that they barely beat an unranked team. Then viola! Oklahoma clinched the number two spot, and that was that. And didn't that turn out just wonderfully?

For me to even get to the point of wanting Alabama to win anything is either a testament to me finally maturing, or my complete hatred for the BCS. I've looked, and there are no pigs flying outside. But I want Alabama to go all the way this year. And yes, that means *shudder* beating my Tigers.

Now, don't expect to not hear "break his fucking legs!" while I'm watching the game, and it will probably be directed towards Brodie Whatshisface. But if Alabama beats my Tigers, I won't be too upset this year. Yeah, it'll be hell watching the game with me, as usual. I catch John looking at me with fear and laughter at the same time. I get violent. I cuss. I have been known to throw a dishtowel. I stomp off, proclaiming I can't bear to watch it, but I still go upstairs and turn on the TV to watch the game. Sometimes a girl just needs to be alone to watch her team.

My Tide fans, don't get excited. This isn't a life changing event. It won't last past 2007, when this monstrosity of a system hopefully gets the boot. I'm using the Tide as a goat. I figure if the SEC gets the shaft again, especially if it's the *cue harps* Roll Tide, Bear Bryant's team, a team with HISTORY, my good friend!, there will be outrage heard around the world. Two years in a row the SEC champ gets chumped? That's just flat out Un-American. That's WRONG. And I think that Alabama is just the team to do it this year.

The fact that they will feel the pain that we felt last year has nothing to do with it, I swear.

Confession 2.0

I believe in astrology. I don't read horoscopes, but I do believe that when you were born has the most to do with your core personality traits. Not even your level of nurturing as a child can wipe out your fundemental traits. If it could, then I would be more of a nut than I am now!

I used to be really into it. I had books. Who here remembers Love Signs? I would read it in all seriousness, and would ask guys what their sign was. "You're a Taurus? Too bad." LOL Ultimately I didn't listen to it, though, because I ended up marrying a crazy Cancer, and boy was that a winner! I tried to have my chart done, but since my birth time is not listed on my birth certificate, and my mother professed to not being able to remember the exact time her first born was brought into the world (doesn't that just warm your heart?), I gave up, because I didn't want a guess, I wanted an exact. I still have Sun Signs, and I read it now and again when it comes to "how to relate to your (fill in the blank) child". Which is what brought me to this confession. My Picses daughter. She might possibly drive me crazy.

How sad is it that me and my eight year old daughter are already arguing? This does not bode well for the future. I look at my mother in law, who has a best friend type relationship with her college aged daughter, still holding hands, for Christ's sake!, and I wonder, "Wow. How do you do that? And would I even want to?" LOL

My daughter is afraid to ride her bike because she might fall. She is obsessed with this Beanie Baby cat that I have had to replace three times or risk her dying of grief. She argues with almost everything I say now, whines whenever I ask her to do a chore and hates to be woken up in the morning.

Don't get me wrong, there are certain things about Heather that I admire. She's eight, but she has the most eclectic sense of style. She fearlessly wears funky, outrageous socks with anything, regardless of matching. It's like her thing. I love that about her! (That's the Pisces in her) She's got a wicked sense of humor, too. When she's not losing that same humor with her little sister. LOL She also has a wonderful sense of imagination. She can spend hours with her stuffed animals and a fort from the couch cushions in an imaginary world. (Also the Pisces)

I'm a Fire Sign, she's Water. I suppose that could explain it, but my oldest child is also a Water Sign (Cancer), but he's a boy. I have only started to feel the nuances of the mother/daughter relationship.

I wonder how it's going to be with my other daughter, who is an Aries, also Fire?

God help us all.

Confession 1.5

Since this can't be my actual first confession, having confessed in my profile that I am not yet 40, I have decided to make this confession 1.5.

1.5: How it thrills my heart to actually "post" again. Never blogged, but man have I posted. I stand before you as a message board addict. Recovering, but does one ever truly become cured? I hope that blogging will. Since I have quit cold turkey my message board ways (we have Hurricane Katrina to thank for that one), I have found myself completely at a loss with what to do with my time on the internet. There is only so much news I can read, and I have no interest in Ebay or Amazon right now. Decorating and gardening have hit a lull, and I recently beat my newest computer game. Then my friend Ellen sent me an email with her new blog!

I'll be passing this on to friends and see how it goes. What will I say? What will I reveal? Do I date invite family (besides Marie?) LOL Will my love of the "LOL" cause the same grumbling it has in the past, or were those just whiny bitches trying to be passive agressive? Only time will tell!

I turned to message boards for conversation and companionship while I was a stay at home mom. Soon it turned into the beast that could not be killed. But my thirst for gab will never die, and I still love to debate and gossip and talk trash and all kinds of things that a soon-to-be 40 year old probably shouldn't love. LOL

So are you up for the ride? Can you handle the Tracy? Stay tuned for more

Confessions of a 40 year old Nail Biter.