Confession 4.5

I cuss too much.

Yeah, I know I do it. I've been cussing since I was in like, fifth grade. When I was in the Army, it was really bad. I had an officer tell me that he would be able to tell it was me over the radio just by hearing all the cusswords. My oldest son Justin said, "Fuck you, Mommy!" when he was less than two years old, in front of my then in-laws, no less. Extraordinarily embarrassing. At the time I blamed it on the movie Terminator 2, but I knew it was because of my cussing, and probably hearing me and his dad cuss at each other.

My middle son Brandon is such a sweetheart. He is a tee-totaler at heart. He won't even tell me what cuss words the punks in his school call him. He thinks "crap" is a cussword. LOL But when he was around three or four he said "shit!" once. That's about it.

Heather - yeah, she did a doozy. Not in front of anyone, thank God. After me saying something about someone pulling out in front of me in a parking lot, my precious little two year old daughter thought she would help me and and yell what I normally yell: "Learn how to fucking drive!" It was shocking and hilarious at the same time. Poor baby, she burst out in tears as every head in the car turned to stare at her in shock, but she wasn't in trouble. Her mommy sure was a little bit ashamed.

Not enough though. I still cuss. My children tell me that I cuss too much. I make promises to stop. They remind me. A few months ago, my youngest child, right after hearing me say something about the size of this "fucking whale" on PBS, starts to chant, FUCKING WHALE, FUCKING WHALE.... All the kids started to laugh of course, so she just runs around singing "Fuck fuck fuck".... *sigh* Yes, I laughed my ass off inside. My husband was not amused. Or if he was, he hid it well. I just pray she never says it around one set of grandparents - a preacher and his very religious wife.

At times in my life I have tried to stop. In high school, I would say "blank!" instead of the word. The crazy look I got once when I said "Blank it!" stopped that. I'm sure they were wondering what the hell a comforter had to do with the situation. In college, one of my roommates came up with the spectacular idea of a money jar for cussing. Eventually, after putting in like 5 bucks at a time I decided to not play anymore. She wasn't happy.

What brought on this train of thought is my previous post. Man, was I pissed. Time, as usual, has softened the blow. Life goes on. People have to deal with their own situations in the end. But yeah - that's typical Tracy. I'm a potty mouth normally, but when I am really pissed or animated about something, it just flies.

I'd like to stop, I really would. So far I have had about as much luck stopping as I have had stopping biting my nails. (I even bite the fake ones, but that is a whole 'nother Oprah show) The problem, really, is my basic lack of willpower. I suppose if I wanted to bad enough, I would stop. I do try to tone it down. I guess I just think back to all those sayings about people who cuss being uneducated or having a lack of vocabulary. Of course, my first reaction is a "Fuck you!" LOL... But that's not cool.

I don't know. I'm sure it's going to be Emma who is going to shame me into stopping. The girl is a pistol, and tries to draw blood when she is mad. I'm sure she's going to embarrass me in front of grandma sometime soon.

*sigh*

Damnit.