Confessions about breast reduction

My MIL has made it clear she thinks me getting this done is for cosmetic purposes. I'll admit that some of it is. I want to be able to wear cute shirts and (1) be able to button them and (2) not look like a whore. But I'm also hoping that the back, neck and shoulder pain will be a thing of the past. That maybe the slow hunching of my back will cease, and just maybe one day I can stand up straight. That there will be no more headaches and neckaches when I wake up in the morning.

I'm scared of having the surgery. This will be my first surgery and basically I am getting my breasts amputated and reconstructed. I'm going to have scars on my breasts for the rest of my life. I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision and it won't be worth it.

I've read a lot of people's stories about their breasts and their BR experiences, and I have to confess that I don't hate my breasts. I confess that I use them for attention, but only in the places where such things are appropriate. LOL I like it that people think my breasts are nice. I don't like the big National Geographic nipples that come along with having breasts as large as mine, and yeah, they sag, but not terribly so. They're in pretty good shape. But I don't want to be Quasimoto in 20 years, with breasts down to my waist and permanent nerve damage from the weight of them. I want to be able to sleep with a regular pillow, to sleep on my side without going numb or rolling over my breasts. Will I have another neck ache again? What if I do after the surgery? Then what? Well, I guess I'll have nice perky breasts again from the outside, and look damn fine. Naked - well, hopefully I won't scar badly. LOL I have other scars, and they are not noticeable, so I think I'll be okay. We'll see. I'll keep you informed.

Confessions about my children

My oldest is still my easiest child. I guess that's good? LOL

My middle son still requires my patience, understanding, and patience. Did I say patience? LOL He is the most stubborn child I know.

My oldest daughter - well, she's my first daughter, and she's going through puberty and she's a Picses. (sp?) I am not sure what I'm doing. LOL I really do need to get a book.

And my youngest daughter (and baby). I bought a book already, and I couldn't keep up with the chores it gave me to do. She is stubborn in a completely different way than my son. She is so very different from the oldest three. I feel like I've done something wrong. LOL

I love all my children, and I feel blessed to have four great kids, though also WTF sometimes - "Four kids!?!?!" I want to take them on a cruise with us in the future, but we can't afford that! I feel bad because Justin's two best friends went on a cruise this summer with their family (they did it together) and I wish I could give Justin that experience, too. I feel like having this many kids makes them miss out on stuff because they don't have rich parents. LOL But I hope that the big family makes up for it as they are adults. I know now they fight, but I hope that we have happy get togethers with laughter about the things they used to do as kids frequently as children. I picture my dad's side of the family, and how loud and fun it is when we all got together. That is what I want for me and mine, minus the Larry the Cable Guy feel. LOL

Confessions about my husband

I really did well. Better than I thought I would. It has been seven years now, and I am in love with him more than I was when we first met. We still hold hands, still hug almost every night when he walks in the door, still have sex around twice a week - still really turn each other on and the sex is fabulous! I really can't believe it. He's been great with the kids.

It wasn't always so great with the kids, but the hangup with with me. I kept on thinking the kids were going to hate him, but after having a family meeting about it I found out the kids never even dreamed of hating him. They completely didn't understand how they could, or where I was coming from. Which was GREAT for me, since that makes it even more obvious that my master plan is working. The master plan, of course, is that my kids have a life 180 degrees opposite of mine as a child. So yay! Once I was able to let go of my fear that they secretly hated him every time he said something to him, I was able to stop getting mad at him every time he said something to them, and causing huge fights, and life has been great.

He's not perfect, trust me. LOL But he's pretty close, and he puts up with my crazy ass, so the man is gold. I love him, simply. You really can't ask for more than that. Love, lust and laughter after seven years. What itch!??!!

Confessions about Harry Potter

I didn't get the whole Harry Potter reading by adults thing until this Spring. I really enjoyed the Goblet of Fire movie and decided that I was going to read the books. The kids had a dog-eared paperback of the first one, and I read it in a couple of hours. Justin's friend had the whole set (this was pre-Deathly Hallows) and I borrowed them. Spent the next few days rapturously reading my fill. Luckily my timing was good. I only had to wait a couple of months (or so) for the final book to come out.

I was one of the nerds who went to a midnight showing of The Order of the Phoenix and I am not ashamed! And I ordered my Deathly Hallows on Amazon. Read it in around 12 hours. Unfortunately I was expecting UPS to deliver and waited and waited. When 7 pm rolled around and no book, I decided to go ahead and check the mailbox just in case, and sure enough, my book was there! Hours of reading wasted!!!!! But I was very pleased with the book and it ended like I thought it would. I cried when I thought Harry died. It was a very good book, though the vixen in me wished there had been more bow-chica-wow-wow between Harry and Ginny. But it is a children's series, after all. LOL

Confession about work

I would leave my job if I didn't make enough money. I would love to be able to do a job where I didn't hear or see about the worst of society every day. But as usual, not wanting to go into Austin for a job is holding me back. It's worth it (I think). LOL I have stopped taking Wellbutrin, so we'll see. I actually had a day where I went to the boss and told her I needed to get the hell out of my section. I was going to take something else in the office until she told me that it would be a significant salary reduction. I sucked it up and stayed.

There was one woman whose story was just so .... how do I say it? I was sucked into her world. I found myself googling her abuser's name to try and find out information about him, to help her out. I felt like the entire world had let her down, that her life was so miserable - classic example of me not being able to let it go. She would call me and talk almost thirty minutes. I felt like I was the only one in the office that cared about her. ARGH! I was seriously driving myself insane. I had to make a concerted efford to do a massive step back, and it worked. I felt guilty, and I still wonder about her from time to time, but GOD I can't worry about other people when I have four kids of my own and family issues myself! I've got a sister who has enough drama for 12 people, thank you very much!!!!

I recently started to do it again , with the trial we have going on with the sexual assault of a teenage boy with his MILF neighbor. Watching that poor kid get grilled on the stand just ate me alive. My weekend was filled with thoughts about him, empathy for him that had no outlet. What was I going to do? "Hey, dude - I saw you on the stand. Hang in there.". ?!?!?! Like he wants to be reminded that strangers were watching him tell about him losing his virginity to a black widow spider? I think not. So I had to tell my attorney I couldnt' go back in there. And I didn't, until the woman herself took the stand. I had no problems watching her crazy ass. Now let's just hope that justice is served.

So....

I haven't blogged in a while obviously. LOL

John is fine. The epindymoma was removed, the surgery was hell on him, post-op was hell until he has the bulging disc surgery two weeks later. Had (has) nerve damage, but it's better than a tumor inside his spinal column. It was a year ago last month! Hard to believe.

The new news now around our household is our cruise. John and I are going on a cruise! I am excited beyond belief, and am obsessed with it, no lie! Every day I look at stuff having to do with cruising.

Tomorrow also marks the 8th week since I went to a plastic surgeon about getting a breast reduction. They said it would be 6 - 8 weeks before we would here anything from United. I scoffed, but they were right. I even called United myself. Of course, it did take the doctor's office almost a month to send the paperwork off, which did NOT please me. LOL But because of the cruise, I can't get it done soon anyway. I don't mind waiting till around the holidays, though being in severe pain two Christmas' in a row is not my idea of fun, I am impatient to get it done. I plan on blogging a lot more when that comes.

School starts two weeks later than normal this year. Justin will be a JUNIOR (gasp!) and my baby is starting Kindergarten - I feel like I am about to step onto another threshhold of my life.

I still don't feel old. LOL

Spinal ependymoma

Seeing my last post, I feel like a complete tool. But at least it's been since March since I was really pissed about something. LOL

For those of you who don't know yet, John was recently diagnosed with a spinal tumor. He has his first visit with the neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I thought this guy's blog was really great and helpful, since his tumor is in the same approximate spot as John's, though I am afraid that John's is larger:

Spinal ependymoma

Confession 12.0

My husband is going on a business trip to Ireland and I am FUCKING INSANELY JEALOUS. I am not even exaggerating in the littlest bit.

Right now he's in San Francisco on business. Will be there a week. Now I find out he's going to Ireland next month. Ireland!!! Only one of the places in the whole world that I want to go visit more than anything! Wow, must really be rough, hanging out in San Francisco, eating at fabulous restaurants, having your lunch brought to you daily, having wonderful lively conversation with like minded adults without having to go home and worry about dinner, worry about cleaning. And now - Ireland!!!!!

Have I mentioned that he's travelled the Carribean many times? Oh yes, he's been all over the place where there is white sandy beaches and gorgeous blue water. Hawaii? Yep. And where the FUCK have I been?

ARGGGHHH!!!! I know I shouldn't be jealous, I know I should be happy for him - I know I'm being a big fucking baby but SO WHAT!!!!!!!!! I am so jealous right now I feel like crying! IRELAND!!!!! He might as well have found out that he just won 500, 000 dollars and is legally forbidden to share it with anyone! THAT's how strongly I feel about this, how jealous I am!

We were supposed to go to the Bahamas to get married. That didn't happen. For family vacations we go to Alabama. Our one planned beach trip with just me and him (and Emma - the only child we couldn't have stay with a grandparent) got cancelled last year because of hurricane season! Fucking Hurricane Dennis! Sure, it was Gulfport, Mississippi, but it was MY VACATION!!!!!!! MINE!!!!!! I HAVEN'T HAD A FUCKING VACATION SINCE I'VE HAD CHILDREN!!!!!!! And even when I did "vacation", I was 20 years old, didn't know shit. I went to Vegas at age 18. I couldn't even gamble, people. I haven't done DICK.

I am seriously holding back tears here. I am a total piece of shit for not being happy that my husband is going to Ireland. And right now I don't give a shit.

Where is my Wellbutrin? LOL I think I'm gonna need it.

Confession 11.0

I rear ended someone this evening.

Just dropped John off at the airport for a week's long business trip to Cali, and decided to pop in and see my sister, who I hadn't seen in months. Be the bigger person and all. I was looking for her phone number in my cell phone and BAM! I rear ended someone. Didn't even see her. I was shocked by the sound - had no idea what was going on. Looked behind me, and there's the person I hit, smashed up against a stone apartment sign ..... Great.

So. No one in my van was hurt. The woman I hit did go to the hospital, but I think it was just precautionary. I'm trying to not be cynical and think she's going to try and bilk my insurance company out of money. I DID screw up her vehicle pretty badly. Front and rear. I felt really small and stupid. Got a ticket, too, of course, which I totally deserved. So I am looking at almost $800 because I decided to go see my sister instead of just going home.

Great. Just fucking great.

AND I bit off all my nails like two weeks ago. Auburn lost their bowl game, and when I got my first paycheck that had my raise on it, the raise was a dollar less than I was told. My boss put it off as being dyslexic. So sorry and all...

Sigh.

But, my wonderful mother and law was helpful with "it's only money, and no one was hurt". Yeah, it's only money - but that's a lot easier for her to say than it is for me!!!! Luckily we have the money, but it WAS earmarked for something else. And she really is wonderful. I am just feeling reaaaaaalllly sorry for myself right now. Though I shouldn't be. I didn't have to go to the hospital or have my car probably totalled.

DAMN!!!!!

John got bumped to first class on his flight, too, and he was really excited. I know I ruined that, too. : (

I feel like a big fucking loser.

Confession 10.6

I went back on the message board I used to frequent. Didn't post, just looked.

Yeah, same old crap, same old insanity. Parts of me wanted to post, but I didn't. My pride means more to me than that. Yeah, I could make a "ghost" and post, but I would know it was me, and I would just hate myself for giving in and going back to that pathetic lifestyle.

You people are pathetic, you know. Yeah, you guys on Survivor Sucks. Even those of you I was friendly with. Pathetic people who are addicted to the message board, who refuse to go out and have real lives. Some of you have children! I know you feel guilty about the time you spend on the computer and not with them - I did, too! Most of you are depressed and miserable, and prefer the fake world of your splinter boards to real life. You dress it up and say it's okay because sometimes you all meet up, but you're still wasting your life away on a faceless message board instead of going out and living LIFE.

I could say all this there, and probably have before, but I would just get bombarded with "Well then why are you here?" comments, and they would be exactly right. LOL I remember reading how one girl, when looking at pictures of people that posted with her, announced that they were all too good looking to be posting on a message board. Like message boards were just for ugly people.

No, just people who have something ugly inside.

Confession 10.4

My mother in law saw me naked.

Yeah, there I was, all sexy sitting in a chair in the tub, my bum knee propped up on the toliet, giving my stinky self a sponge bath and a MUCH needed hair washing (thank God I didn't live in the times before regular showers. My hair looked like Aragorn from LOTR. Not an attractive look for a woman.) Trust me - asing your MIL to help you put on your panties isn't one of those moments to look upon fondly. I know she's got the same parts as me, but damn!

Well, at least I hadn't shaved my "area" in a while. I think that she probably wouldn't appreciate knowing her son likes it bare down there. LOL *wink*

Actually, the majority of the time she was with me (and God bless her for coming - she fed the kids, cleaned, helped me get around, took me to the orthopod) I was worrying that she thought I was just a complete slob. The kids' bathroom was dirty - okay, I'll say it. Parts of it were gross. They clean their own bathroom, and they hadn't done it in a couple of weeks. It was nasty. Not black ring on the tub and piss everywhere nasty, but still - I was embarrassed. She cleaned the kitchen floor (what was she thinking?) she vacummed the study (what was she thinking) she made dinner (what was she thinking when she went into the pantry and saw the liter box?) ARGGHHH!!! I was driving myself insane, honestly. LOL It was stressful.

I do that. Terrible! I can't relax and just enjoy having people who care about me take care of me. I'm always wondering what they are thinking, wishing that I could be better.... Hopefully this will help me get over this. Because the help isn't over yet. I'm going to have to get a ride to and from work everyday for two weeks because I have to keep my long leg straight - no way will I fit in my front seat to drive. I can't do much without help. This sucks!! LOL

Confession 10.2

I broke my freakin' knee cap.

No, not a joke. I was walking along, minding my own business, holding my daughter whilst coming out of GattiLand, and WHOOSH! I was flying towards the ground. Trying to not drop my daughter, I held on to her the best I could (she still knocked her little noggin on the pavement), I took all my weight and hers to my left knee. OUCH. To say the least.

I'm writhing around in pain on the ground, people are stopping to ask if the lady is okay, we get to the hospital - yeah - broken in two places. Nice. I made them cut my jeans. My nicest pair, too, but damned if they were going to make me move my leg. I wouldn't have cared if they were a $200 pair of Versace, cut those bitches off!!!

That was Sunday night. Luckily I don't have to have surgery - as long as I keep my leg completely straight for three weeks, and then in other imobilizers for an additional five weeks, I should recover from this without any insightly scars or, hopefully, no calls of a "bum knee still giving me pain" years down the road.

I can't freakin' believe I did this. I slipped in the same damn pair of shoes last week at work. But it was in the morning and there was still dew on the ground. I thought it was just a fluke. Nope. It was the fucking shoes. LOL They have since gone in the trash, along with their sister pair in blue.

It was an opportunity to buy some more shoes from my fav website, though - Zappos.com. I found a couple of really cute mules in suede grey and dark brown croc that have rubber soles. LOL Hey - I needed something to go with the yoga pants that will be the staple of my work wardrobe until I get this thing off my leg!

When I called work to let them know what happened, I was glad to hear that people were horrified, but I was sad to find out that a lady at work's husband was killed in a car accident that weekend as well. Kind of put my little accident in perspective. We both go back to work on Tuesday.

Confession 10.0

I haven't bitten my nails in almost a month. Look Ma! I have girl hands!!!

Actually, this is quite an accomplishment - I haven't gone this long without biting my nails since the late 80's, and I remember well when I finally gave in and buzzed through my entire set of nails in like five minutes. It was heaven. LOL

But this time I am determined. No more man hands. I can actually scratch things. I look feminine and pretty and I LIKE it! It's not that I don't stick them in my mouth everyday and play at the edges with my teeth, because I do. But this time I think I will actually be sucessfull. I feel like a grownup! LOL

It's been a while since I have blogged. Been busy as hell. I will probably break this up into numerous confessions because it's been so long. But right now we will stick with the no nail biting, and what this means to the title of my blog. Now are they both lies? LOL Neither 40 or a nail biter - I think I'll have to be realistic here and give myself more than a few weeks before I call myself "bite free". After all, I have been doing it for as long as I remember. Three weeks does not a non biter make.

I feel bad because all my kids bite their nails. Even my three year old is caught now and then biting at her nails, though she doesn't know how to do it. I clip her nails. The other ones, tho -t0 the nubs. To my credit, I didn't bite to the nub. I kept the tiniest bit of white. And I was good at it, too - they were nice looking and not raggedy.

I had a friend ask me the other day why I bite my nails. Is it a nervous habit? You know, I don't know. I do know that I would bite them while watching movies. Like when I saw Flightplan last month - buzzed through every last one of them. But I would just bite them when they got too long for my taste - nothing necessarily going on - it was definately a habit, but I don't know if it came from nervousness.

I would play with the nails in my mouth if they were especially "long". I know there are a few of you out there probably gagging right now, but yeah - I would play with them, roll them around lovingly on my tongue... while I was biting them, I would go into almost like a trance, a very calm state where my mind would clear for just a little bit while I bit away at my nails. Weird. LOL

But no more! I have pretty girl hands now - I'm keeping them. I can actually go in for a manicure and not a set of fakes. Yay!

Confession 9.0

I have gone temporarily mental.

Me. Internet shopping. Bleary eyed. Bizrate. Amazon. Ebay. Which is the better price? AHHHHHHH!!!!!

I took a moritorium from internet shopping last year. I did the whole Black Friday thing for the first time, did all my shopping in person.... While that is fun, I have to admit I like finding the deals on the net. Free shipping, not having to worry about having the kids with me. Take last night for example. John and I were at Target, and I happened to see that the toy that Emma wants the most, the Barbie "Jam with Me" guitar (which Justin is going to despise, since, as a "real rocker", he thinks all other guitar things and people are mostly "posers" - LOL ) was the cheapest I have seen it yet. I snagged one, tried to hide it under the cart, but no - little Miss Eagle Eyes saw it. LOL Had to lie to my daughter that it was actually a piece of paper with the picture on it, and pawn it off to my husband to go ahead and buy it and put it in the car.

Now, I do have to be careful with Ebay. The boys like to get on Ebay and check out stuff. I've gotten Brandon a couple of things on Ebay already. I get rid of them as soon as I have left feedback. And I am sending almost all of the stuff I order to work instead of home. I wonder how tired the receptionist is going to be of getting my packages? LOL

Speaking of Ebay, I've already had a mishap. I ordered one of those dual cereal dispensers for a sister in law, and I didn't pay close enough attention to the little words "LIKE NEW". I can't give her something used! So I had to go ahead and keep that one for myself (the kids think it's cool, but I'm like "meh") and buy her a new one. I just went ahead and got it from Penneys, who had free shipping if you buy over $25. A good deal, since most other places, it's $75 or $100 for the free shipping.

Amazon has always been my friend. Always. But that is the one I go most nuts on. This year I have decided to give my mother in laws (divorced parents, not two husbands) a little smorgesborg of fancy soaps. I spend two hours, maybe more, trying to find perfect soaps that ALSO add up to the requisite amount for free shipping. I was swaying in my seat from exhaustion, but didn't give up until I had it perfect. LOL

I did Overstock for the first time this year. Overstock has a lot of great clothes, but I just can't make myself pay $60 for a Versace t-shirt, even if it is 85% off. LOL But they did have the very best price on Justin's most wanted gift, the Nirvana box set. And only $1 shipping. Natch.

So if you are going to do internet shopping, look for the free shipping, look for clearance, make it worth it. But it is a lot of work. Probably easier to just go to the store. But with four kids, and one hellion especially, it is damn near impossible for me. My idea of heaven is an hour and a half in Kohl's all by myself so that I can dig through clearance at my hearts' content. LOL

So until Christmas is done and the gifts have all been bought, I am going to be the relentless huntress, out for the best deal, looking for the site that is willing to do the most for me. As long as it isn't owned by a Walton. LOL

Confession 8.0

I am a Democrat and I believe in the death penalty.

I just had to put in the "Democrat" part, because a lot of people think that all Democrats are against the death penalty, but if they had a lick of sense in their brain, they would know how wrong they are.

I was reading an article in the Statesman today about the latest execution here in Texas. People like to make fun of Texas because of the amount of people executed, but seriously - look at California. Their death row inmates sit there waiting to die for decades. Most of them will probably die of natural causes before being given their punishment. Even that freak who kidnapped his neighbor's little girl, raped and killed her - that piece of shit will die in prison before being put to death for what he did.

I understand on some levels the people who believe that the death punishment is wrong. I understand that they believe that it is only God's place to decide a person's fate. I can see how someone would think that. I don't agree, but I can understand how one would think that. What I don't understand is the people who think that the death penalty is cruel and inhumane, that it shows a lack of civility. Excuse me? These people are on death row because they themselves are cruel and inhumane and lack civility. Why should we show them more mercy than they would show us? These people are killers. And not just your run of the mill killers - it takes a special person to get themselves sent to death row. They deserve not one ounce of my pity.

I believe that there should be only three appeals given to death row inmates, max. I also believe that all death row inmates that were convicted before the use of DNA should have their cases checked against the crime (if evidence still exists) so that we don't wrongly put someone to death. I hear people who say that the death penalty should be abolished because even one person wrongly accused is to much, and to that I say bullshit. Nothing is perfect. Believe me, the justice system is far from perfect, and will be forever, as long a human beings run the show. We should not throw out the system because it's not perfect, because nearly every person who has broken the law tries to get out of it, tries to say they are innocent. Even the stumbling drunks pulled over for DWI try to say they weren't drunk. I don't think most people will lay down and say, "Yeah, I murdered them. Put me to death."

One state (Utah?) gives the condemned their choice of method of death. Bullet, hanging, lethal injection. I think that's a good idea in theory, but it would take a special person to be the executioner. I wonder if they do it like in the old days - give a row of executioners rifles at random, with only one of them loaded with an actual bullet. They all fire, but no one knows who actually fired the shot that killed.

For anyone interested in getting info on Texas' Death Row, TDCJ has an excellent website with the condemned info, including their last statements:

http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/executedoffenders.htm

There is also a website that I found one night whilst googling that kept a list of different states' death row inmates' last meals. I thought it was interesting, but then I am into all that kind of morbid stuff.

That was the same night I was looking at crime scene photos, and was finding all kinds of gnarly stuff, like that Chris Farley's body.

Eww.